i already hear my dad disowning me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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