I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
