I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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