I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its about making memories worth repressing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
