Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
