he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
