Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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