When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
