seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
