just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
