I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
