Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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