Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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