the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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