Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
