stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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