so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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