I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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