He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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