Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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