I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
jump out the window naked night went bad
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
