??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
