He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize