Swine flu. Run for my life!
You can't special order awesome
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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