I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
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So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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