so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
