a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
