it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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