What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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