Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
