I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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