so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
