I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
