i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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