she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She said her name was "party"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
