I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
