I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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