It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
