He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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