I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
