I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
