I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
