they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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