chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
