i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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