i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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