Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
