The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
