how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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