One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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