I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
