hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
