I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Randomize
