and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
