apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
