Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You ruined the universe
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
