I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
