I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
