someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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