I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
